Betsy has moved a total of 14 times as an adult, many of these moves not of her own choice.
Her most recent move was September, 2018, after a brief 3-month transition from a “spacious, lovely apartment into a dump before landing in the senior housing apartment where I now live.” The “lovely” home was the bottom of an older two-family house. Betsy shared the two-bedroom apartment with her partner and a roommate. It had plenty of built-in storage and a back porch with room for tall cabinets. She notes, “It was easy for us to put our stuff into that apartment plus the roommate’s.”
Because Betsy’s partner was 10 years older than her and had health problems, they signed up for senior housing. She was moved up on the list when he died of congestive heart failure. Unfortunately, her landlords wanted to move into her apartment, so Betsy had to put all her stuff into storage and live out of duffel bag until she was finally offered her new place.
Betsy says that new apartment, where she now lives on her own, is half the size of the old one but is more efficiently designed. It has the “best kitchen I’ve ever had,” with lots of storage and everything well at hand, as well as a huge bathroom. Although her initial impression was not very positive, she said that she’s made a lot of changes to the place, and “it now feels like home.”
Betsy describes her previous downsizing process as “minimal.” She notes, “I used to pack everything I owned when I moved. All my empty wine bottles, memorabilia – school citations, high school play programs, every class picture of every child I was friends with – would follow me like toilet paper on a shoe.” … “As I put each item in a box, I’d consider whether it was something I wanted or felt I might need, the latter being a holdover from my mom’s generation who grew up during the depression. A move cross-country caused me to let go of things I thought I would never use again like my camping equipment.” Although she hasn’t needed it for the last 13 years, she still has some regrets about that loss. “The bane of purging!” she laments.
She describes her purging process over the last two moves as “more drastic,” especially as the second to last move had to be done quickly. At this time, she decided to pare her book collection by keeping “the books that I learned the most from and that changed my life (mostly spiritual), my absolute favorite authors whose writing styles impressed me (Pearls S. Buck, Louise Erdrich), and those that had the most overall memories and that I might actually read again (The Hobbit/Lord of the Rings Trilogy). The rest I gave away, mostly in a yard sale. The process was a bit gut-wrenching, but once they were gone, I made peace with my decision.
“My biggest regret when I purged previously was in getting rid of records of past experiences. The decision to trash the journal I kept since I was 13 came from being in a dark place. I didn’t want anyone to read my silly comments should I not survive. I have kept the journal I continued from my 20’s, though. But old playbills and other memorabilia from my junior and high school days have been thrown out as was my artwork, darn it. I must have wanted to erase some of my past. What I continue to hold onto and will never throw out is my collection of ticket stubs from every concert I’ve ever attended, starting with Jethro Tull in 1973. I plan to collage them at some point at a friend’s suggestion.
“I have had a hard time letting go of certain items that remind me of my past – friends or circumstances – though the items themselves have no meaning. After bringing them with me wherever I moved, I took some advice and photographed them before they found their final resting place. They don’t take up any space anymore.
“The biggest challenge for me when downsizing is taking away the context. When I do, I remind myself that the item in question is simply a thing. If I can let the memories fade, I can let go of attachment. The decision of whether to keep or give away rests on what purpose it serves and does it bring me joy.
"If I could do things differently, if I had another chance, I might put the things I couldn’t quite let go of in a box and after a year, take the box to a thrift store. After clearing out a friend’s apartment recently, I would do the same things as I did with her things. List all the furniture or larger items, including appliances, take photos, decide what to keep then decide what to sell on Craig’s List or at a consignment shop, and donate the rest. I happen to like Boomerangs but I would also ask friends if they want or need any of it. I did this for my friend but have never been that organized myself.
“My advice to anyone who has to downsize to a smaller place is to sit with the understanding that you are not your things. Start with the practical items, and ask yourself: do you use this, will you use this? Can you replace this if you should ever need it? The same goes with clothing – do you wear this, will you wear it, can you replace it? Objects can be viewed as, does it bring you joy? Will a photo of it suffice? And there are all those duplicate things we own. Do I really need four extension cords?
“Downsizing is a process. Give yourself enough time to eliminate the feeling of panic. Reliving a memory by going through your lifetime of things, taking a photo and then letting it go can feel like a burden has been lifted. Keep only the most precious things, so that where you land, your new home is not cluttered but reflects who you are.
“My views about stuff have changed a lot since my first moves as an adult. I was a much more possessive person and felt very attached to my things. They were part of my identity. Now that I am an older, more mature woman, my things reflect who I am and not the other way around. I play a game where I ask myself, what are the things I could never, ever get rid of? It’s a Buddha-like question. Moving is one of the most stressful things we can go through. Even when it’s a move to a better situation, it’s going to be difficult. If you have to downsize or want to downsize, you can. You can do it. Some steps you may have to take may feel painful, but remember, it’s only things. As much as you love an object, it can’t love you back. Keep only those that do.”